(Risus) Disco Hell '78

New York City,  July, 1978

Rolling blackouts plague the city, but lines are wrapped around the block to enter, a hip new discotheque, the Wheel of Fortune.

Three men are in line together: 

John McClane (John), a rookie NYPD cop, looking to blow off some steam.

John McClane

Hans Gruber (Hans), a rich German entrepreneur 

Hans Gruber - never young, never grows old

... and David Hasslehoff (Dave), actor  

A young David Hasselhoff, actor

Dave moseyed up to the doorman, a tall skinny dude with Farrah Fawcett hair.  He presented him a dollar.  

"It's going to cost more to get a word in...  It's five just for the cover."

An extra two dollars and some sweet talk and he disappeared into the building, leaving the other two behind.  

Hans grabbed John and went up to the doorman, quickly flashing a Sears credit card in his wallet.

"Health.. Inspector... Surprise Inspection with my assistant."  With the rolling of the bouncer's eyes, the duo entered the club. 

If Hans had been a health inspector, the overcrowded building would have initiated an immediate shutdown, but the crowd six rows deep around the bar was more intriguing.  

Dave had been inside long enough to try out the popular new drink, The Cement Slinger.  Served in an oversized wine glass, a concoction of liquor and fresh goat's milk was oddly pleasing and intoxicating. (Even if they could refrigerate it, the rolling blackouts couldn't guarantee quality.) 

When a fat drunkard crashed through the swinging doors behind the bar, everyone realized the fresh goat's milk came directly from a goat behind the bar!  Freed from the bar, the goat started cavorting through thedisco.    Hans, who grew up on an East German collectivist farm, sprung into action to wrangle the goat and prevent further health violations.  Unfortunately,  he could not overtake the Goat with a Piss-Poor Attitude (2).

The goat scurried up to a secure second floor where a illegal drug operation to cut cocaine operated,  street name Billy Goat Blow.

The operators didn't see the irony of the goat running wild through kilos of cocaine, so they opened fire on the creature.  The goat remained uninjured and the gun shots match the disco music 

A table finally opened, and the trio jumped at it, John grabbing someone else's Cement Slingers from another table 

Before they could enjoy the ladies (and cavorting goat), a thickly accent voice popped up.

"Helloooooo!!!!  Dose are our drinks, man! "

Behind them was a very short Hispanic man with dark hair and eyes, in an all-white suit with gold chains.  His two friends wore wife beaters, slacks, and sandals.

"Felipe Idaho has this table for the entire night, you horrible Germanic beast, get us fresh drinks.... and make sure they don't kill dat goat!"

Hans scurried away, pretending to grab extra drinks for the angry short man.  

Dave ran off in an opposite direction, becoming a dancing fool, attracting men, women, and even the goat.

The DJ was transitioning to a band, still disco, but with a bagpipe player.  I

Crowds grooving closer and closer to the band.  The lead singer, a shirtless Peter Frampton type wearing a ripped monastic robe, grabbed the goat from the crowd.  

Hans demanded the safety of the goat and rushed the stage.  The lead singer held the goat down on the ground and pulled out a sacrificial knife.

 

John,  kicked back another random Cement Slinger and with the rush of alcohol, took off his shoes and socks and moved forward towards the stage.

Dave heard the bleating goat, and having once attended an Alice Cooper concert, was intrigued by this performance art. 

Somehow everyone was shocked and surprised when the lead singer actually plunged the knife into the goat.  

Hans jumped on stage, grabbed a mic stand, and knocked out the French Horn player, smashing the glasses and beer bottles on stage, pausing John's advance

The goat was not quite dead yet, bleating and bleeding horribly, but all Hans could do was keep the band members from further desecrating the goat.

But the attempted sacrifice snapped something inside Dave's mind.  He pushed through the crowd to get up on stage and began smearing the arterial goat blood spray across himself.  

Felipo Idaho,  "I though that guy was health inspector, what's he doin' to that goat?"

John seemed clumsy, hitting every piece of broken glass as he ran across the stage, to run to a phone and call in reinforcements from the local precinct.  He asked for his friend Al, who was willing to dispatch some paddy wagons to deal with the cult activity and health code violations.

The lead singer finally laid a killing blow on the goat and turned his attention to the mic stand-swinging German.

 

*BAM*

*BAM*

 

*BAM*

The lead singer lay dead on the stage, his blood intermingling with the goat's.

David Hasselhoff turned his attention to the lead singer, and feasted on his flesh.  

Officer Al Powel, pulled up to the Wheel of Fortune Disco. Inside, he could see a portal to Hell forming inside. 

"It's going to be a loooong night."

Hans was on stage when the portal opened up, swallowing up the soulless disco fans.  Realizing there was no chance to start things, he tried to escape, but got caught in an all out brawl with Felipe Idaho, who was still waiting for his drinks.  

Dave seemed intrigued by the portal to Hell, entered a deal with the Devil for two long-running TV deals, one in the 80's, another in the 90's both maintaining the misogynistic standards of the 70's.

The others escaped with their lives.

GM Notes: This still makes more than the actual comic out of Tales of the Unexpected #192.  I can still use that plot to set up a Spirit of '77 one-shot.