Saturday, March 31, 2012

(Gnome Wars) The Legend of Bruce Carmezind

For generation after generation, the Swiss were a peaceful people, driven by the gnomish occupations of nature, mining, cheese, and alphorns. Even after the exploration of the other gnomish races and the advance of civilization, the Swiss did the bare minimum to keep up with their neighbors. They were not brash, adventurous, or egotistical.

To make up for these deficiencies in these peoples, the Gnomish Gods made Bruce Carmezind.

Legends of his origins vary.  Some say he was a cabin boy of a Swiss schooner that was attacked by pirates.  The pirates killed the entire crew, save the young Bruce.  He was brought before Captain Alvarado, and with just a look from Bruce, the good Captain and his crew were back on their ship, and Bruce was sailing alone to parts unknown.

Some claim he was a Dakota ranch hand turned bank robber turned marshal.  Others in America claimed he was a drummer during the Uncivil War and got field promoted up to Colonel... on both sides.

The stories are as many as there are hairs on a Swiss gnome's beard.  Master Brewer, Demented Chemist, Two-Fisted Alchemist, Weiner Dog Racing Mogul, Cheese Whiz, even unpaid warehouse clerk forced to combat the dark arts with steampunk creations.  But the first story everyone can agree upon is how he single-handedly destroyed the living dead in the forest of Sambee

Bruce versus the Legions of Hell in the Sambee Forest.

Bruce's fame and notoriety exploded after that.  African Safaris. Duels with Samurai.  Hide and Seek games with Ninjas.  Jumping Kangaroos across canyons.  Mining for rare ores.  Becoming a leader in the Hawaiian rebellion. Riding across the steppes with the Cossacks, Teaching the Irish the ride giant wild geese.  Making Germany's largest sausagefest co-ed.  Bruce is rumored to have done it all, and what isn't true the actual story is even more outrageous.

He is... the most badass gnome in the world (tm).

Bruce has begun to show up in modern day events.  He was on African Safari when the 1st Wishing Well War occurred.  When the Swiss and German colonies got involved in the hostilities, he casually commandeered a unit of Sikhs and singlehandedly held off a German breakout.  He also charged a German machine gun position and killed both crew with head shots while from a good distance.

He's also made an appearance during Swiss naval maneuvers.  This might explain the Swiss superior sailing ability during Cold Wars compared to traditional seaworthy nationalities.

There are also rumors of his appearance during the Second Samoan Civil War, but his tactics were so conservative that it could not be true... or was he saving his energy for the second half of Civil Wars?

Stats for Bruce:
Bruce can walk 6 and run 14.
He wields a pistol that gets the normal two shots per round, but has normal rifle range.  He may fire at two different targets without penalty.
He wields an oversized pick axe and fights in melee as d10.  The pick axe may be use as a weapon against special characters (long pole for Lucky Lon/stake for the Vampire).
He is +2 in combat vs undead and will only fall back 6 inches if defeated.
Treat him as having sealegs (no land-lubber penalties for fighting/firing while aboard a ship)
He gets a free medic roll on himself without penalty (5+ on d8) before allowing the normal medic roll.
He can be treated as a unit leader of any unit with figures within 24" of him.
And he can play a mean pocket Jazz Alphorn. (Swiss can always attack per alphorn rules)

I could make him a great detective or even more famous explorer, but I do wish to see Sherlock Gnomes and Illinois Smith, Gnome Archaeologist.

1 comment:

  1. Bruce Carmezind is the Most Interesting Gnome in the World! ...stay thirsty, my friends!