It's tough makin' a living makin' music.
It's even harder when your Brass 'n Skins, a three man crew out of Big Tuna, Texas trying to make it in Eastern Arkansas. Forged from the fires of Texas Fried Rock, multiple members of Brass had succumbed to the pleasures and tortures of the road, and the three remaining weren't the best match.
Phinneus Stumpy had perfect pitch and played a mean washboard bass and not much else.
Pritchard, was as cool with the trumpet player and lead vocals as he was awesome practicing going Walker, Texas Ranger on somebody's ass.
Thorton "Short Stick" Hoolihan was the ringleader. Gifted with a silver tongue for speaking, not singing, he would have headed up some kind of grift, if he wasn't a complete idiot. He formed the band with his crew of encyclopedia salesmen and shysters, and his certain "sav-our fairy" with bar owners, the ladies, and his band members kept him on stage, playing the bongos.
The next gig out in Tipton Bend, Tennessee wasn't a make or break moment for the band, but their transportation might be life or death.
Their latest vehicle was a fancy Eye-Talian moped, Short Stick driving, pulling a two-wheeled trailer behind it, holding Pritchard, Phinneus, and the instrument.
It might not take a rocket scientist to figure the moped wouldn't make the forty-plus mile trek into Tennessee, but none of these fellas had passed a science class in school, so it came as a great surprise to them, when it died on the side of the road.
Like it was mentioned, they weren't completely destitute, so a hundred bucks at Ron's Discount Dental Plans and Used Cars got them a body-rotted El Camino. Short Stick short, Pritchard grabbed shotgun, and Phinneus toss the washtub of instruments in the truck bed and gleefully held on, still wearing the moped helmet and goggles... with a cowboy hat atop it.
The inside of the car was a mess before they got the keys, with food wrappers, empty bottles, and other questionable messes strewn everywhere..
Even though the travel from Arkansas to Tipton was a pretty straight shot that resembled a "U on the map, none of the guys had gotten that far in the alphabet. Short Stick asked Pritchard to check the glovebox for a map of some sort, and he obliged, only to have a rattlesnake fly out of it and latch onto his neck!
The next ensuing seconds were pure chaos, Pritchard wildly thrashing about in the car, Phinneus trying unsuccessfully to reach in through the sunroof to pull the snake off, and Short Stick desperately trying to maintain control of the vehicle. Finally, the madness was too much and the El Camino drove off the road, hit an embankment and went airborne.
Phinneus flew out the back, holding onto the washtub full of instruments, Pritchard dove out the door, snake still sticking to his neck, poison seeping further into his body.
Short Stick stayed in the car, and by a miracle kept the car upright with little damage. The only witnesses to this driving prowess was a random goat and two people manning a random produce stand.
The woman of the pair rushed to Pritchard to see what was the matter. Right before she attempted to remove the snake, she asked him, "Do you accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior?"
Pritchard could only mutter, "Of course I do," and in return the woman retorted, "Well, with those tattoos, ya ain't Pentecostal enough for me, and promptly ripped the snake off of him, blood spraying everywhere.
Somehow, Short Stick took control of the situations, applied some mediocre first aid and smoothed things over with old church lady Rachel and her husband Sam. He even managed to get a bushel of peaches at a cut rate price, but he couldn't win this woman over to help.
"You smell like hooch, and that's the devil's work."
Pritchard: "He likes a road soda now and again, but he wasn't drinking right now."
As things calmed down, everyone could smell the booze, soaking the crotch of his pants."
Pritchard: "Whiskey crotch is a whole nother story!"
Investigating the El Camino, they found the bottle whiskey, that had been stuffed among the trash in the front seat, the car acrobatics forcing it to move and leak everywhere.
They also found .38 revolver under the seat, a terrarium behind the seat, and a strange box in the bed of the car with a weird symbol on the top.
Inside the box were just a bunch of rocks.
Phinneus: "It's that symbol for an A-Tomic bomb, but it's just a bunch of rocks. It ain't glowing like Uranius."
Pritchard: "Maybe if you eat the rocks, you'll grow a second Uranus!"
Then the Sheriff showed up.
Sheriff Julio was out of place here in Arkansas. a large, broad shoulder Hispanic man with a heavy accent and a single teardrop tattoo under his eye, he saw the blood, the gun, and the radioactive material and pulled his gun.
Short Stick tried to weasel his way out of the scenario by offering to play some cool selections to appease the Sheriff, but the instruments were too damaged to play. Only Pritchard's trumpet put up a good effort, but his attempt at Mongolian throat singing wore out any good will that there was.
At some point Pritchard had passed out, and the he awoke to find them all in a cramped jail cell in Hayward. He had been bandaged up and given anti-venom by the Sheriff and the group was given the list of charges they had been arrested for:
But all was forgiven if they could solve a problem the locals had... meth-gators.
The good folk upriver on the Mississippi had been subject to a lot of federal raids for drugs, and those that were fast enough were dumping tons of meth down the toilet, into the sewer lines, and one into the local rivers and the Mississippi itself. All these drugs were creating "Meth-Gators, super aggressive, super-strong reptiles that were wrecking havoc downriver. Destroy the gators, and all would be forgiven.
Given some crossbows, the keys to a late-model Ford F150, and a satchel of dynamite, the band left to deal with the meth-gators.
There was a lot of confusion as to the alleged near-human intelligence of the alligators.
Short Stick: "How smart are these meth-gators?"
Pritchard: "He might be good with the ones twos and fours...."
Phinneus: "No those are MATH gators, completely different."
Of course, the guys put themselves behind the 8-ball, Pritchard tripping over his two feet while holding a loaded crossbow, and accidentally shooting Short Stick in the ass.
The best news for the band was that meth affected alligators like people. Fewer teeth was a bit safer for them, but a gator's jaw snapping down, even if they were gumming the men, would not be pleasant.
The fight for the alligator lair was epic. Short Stick was shirtless, wrestling the crazed beasts. Phinneus had found sledgehammer in the bed of the truck and used that on the animals. Pritchard found himself with a jammed crossbow, and in one of many foolish moments turned the crossbow towards himself like one looking down a barrel of a gun, and the device went off, killing him instantly.
It took the better part of the day, but with great effort, and a small fire from combustible meth chemicals in the water, the meth-gators were exterminated and Short Stack and Phinneus brought back proof.
Sheriff Julio dropped all charges, "gave" them the truck (although he kept the Uranium), and on they left for Tipton Bend.
But not before grabbing another band member for the gig. Pritchard's sister Hennie played a mean fiddle. Brass 'n Skins was dead. Long live The Mississippi Clam.
The arrived with plenty of time to set-up and as they relaxed before coming out, Short Stick and Phinneus traded notes on the day.
Short Stick: "You know, we didn't even use the dynamite on those gators. I wonder where it went?"
The bar manager was just finishing introductions, and a request to look out for a missing bar patron, who hadn't been seen in a number of days. He drove an old El Camino.
Phinneus, as the group walks out on stage, "Don't know...."
Behind him was an impressive set-up of blasting caps and dynamite hooked up around the stage. The new band was going to finally be able to afford those fancy pyrotechnics.
Keeper Notes: Nothing like making characters for a sequel to "Electric Hoe-Down of the Atomic Reptile Bikini Women in 3-D!" from World of Cthulhu #4. Slightly more elaborate character than "Lite Beer" from the original game.
And in proper "ripped from the headlines" like an Law and Order episode,this covers not one, but two tales of the weird recently in the news:
Police in Oklahoma say they found an open container of Kentucky Deluxe whiskey, a rattlesnake, a gun and a canister of radioactive powdered uranium during a traffic stop of a vehicle that had been reported stolen.
It's even harder when your Brass 'n Skins, a three man crew out of Big Tuna, Texas trying to make it in Eastern Arkansas. Forged from the fires of Texas Fried Rock, multiple members of Brass had succumbed to the pleasures and tortures of the road, and the three remaining weren't the best match.
Phinneus Stumpy had perfect pitch and played a mean washboard bass and not much else.
Pritchard, was as cool with the trumpet player and lead vocals as he was awesome practicing going Walker, Texas Ranger on somebody's ass.
Thorton "Short Stick" Hoolihan was the ringleader. Gifted with a silver tongue for speaking, not singing, he would have headed up some kind of grift, if he wasn't a complete idiot. He formed the band with his crew of encyclopedia salesmen and shysters, and his certain "sav-our fairy" with bar owners, the ladies, and his band members kept him on stage, playing the bongos.
The next gig out in Tipton Bend, Tennessee wasn't a make or break moment for the band, but their transportation might be life or death.
Their latest vehicle was a fancy Eye-Talian moped, Short Stick driving, pulling a two-wheeled trailer behind it, holding Pritchard, Phinneus, and the instrument.
It might not take a rocket scientist to figure the moped wouldn't make the forty-plus mile trek into Tennessee, but none of these fellas had passed a science class in school, so it came as a great surprise to them, when it died on the side of the road.
Like it was mentioned, they weren't completely destitute, so a hundred bucks at Ron's Discount Dental Plans and Used Cars got them a body-rotted El Camino. Short Stick short, Pritchard grabbed shotgun, and Phinneus toss the washtub of instruments in the truck bed and gleefully held on, still wearing the moped helmet and goggles... with a cowboy hat atop it.
The inside of the car was a mess before they got the keys, with food wrappers, empty bottles, and other questionable messes strewn everywhere..
Even though the travel from Arkansas to Tipton was a pretty straight shot that resembled a "U on the map, none of the guys had gotten that far in the alphabet. Short Stick asked Pritchard to check the glovebox for a map of some sort, and he obliged, only to have a rattlesnake fly out of it and latch onto his neck!
The next ensuing seconds were pure chaos, Pritchard wildly thrashing about in the car, Phinneus trying unsuccessfully to reach in through the sunroof to pull the snake off, and Short Stick desperately trying to maintain control of the vehicle. Finally, the madness was too much and the El Camino drove off the road, hit an embankment and went airborne.
Phinneus flew out the back, holding onto the washtub full of instruments, Pritchard dove out the door, snake still sticking to his neck, poison seeping further into his body.
Short Stick stayed in the car, and by a miracle kept the car upright with little damage. The only witnesses to this driving prowess was a random goat and two people manning a random produce stand.
The woman of the pair rushed to Pritchard to see what was the matter. Right before she attempted to remove the snake, she asked him, "Do you accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior?"
Pritchard could only mutter, "Of course I do," and in return the woman retorted, "Well, with those tattoos, ya ain't Pentecostal enough for me, and promptly ripped the snake off of him, blood spraying everywhere.
Somehow, Short Stick took control of the situations, applied some mediocre first aid and smoothed things over with old church lady Rachel and her husband Sam. He even managed to get a bushel of peaches at a cut rate price, but he couldn't win this woman over to help.
"You smell like hooch, and that's the devil's work."
Pritchard: "He likes a road soda now and again, but he wasn't drinking right now."
As things calmed down, everyone could smell the booze, soaking the crotch of his pants."
Pritchard: "Whiskey crotch is a whole nother story!"
Investigating the El Camino, they found the bottle whiskey, that had been stuffed among the trash in the front seat, the car acrobatics forcing it to move and leak everywhere.
They also found .38 revolver under the seat, a terrarium behind the seat, and a strange box in the bed of the car with a weird symbol on the top.
Phinneus: "It's that symbol for an A-Tomic bomb, but it's just a bunch of rocks. It ain't glowing like Uranius."
Pritchard: "Maybe if you eat the rocks, you'll grow a second Uranus!"
Then the Sheriff showed up.
Sheriff Julio was out of place here in Arkansas. a large, broad shoulder Hispanic man with a heavy accent and a single teardrop tattoo under his eye, he saw the blood, the gun, and the radioactive material and pulled his gun.
Short Stick tried to weasel his way out of the scenario by offering to play some cool selections to appease the Sheriff, but the instruments were too damaged to play. Only Pritchard's trumpet put up a good effort, but his attempt at Mongolian throat singing wore out any good will that there was.
At some point Pritchard had passed out, and the he awoke to find them all in a cramped jail cell in Hayward. He had been bandaged up and given anti-venom by the Sheriff and the group was given the list of charges they had been arrested for:
- Possession of a stolen vehicle (Ron didn't get it as a trade-in
- Transporting an open container of liquor
- Operating a vehicle with a suspended license.
- Attempting to transport exotic animals across state lines.
- Possession of an unlicensed firearm.
But all was forgiven if they could solve a problem the locals had... meth-gators.
The good folk upriver on the Mississippi had been subject to a lot of federal raids for drugs, and those that were fast enough were dumping tons of meth down the toilet, into the sewer lines, and one into the local rivers and the Mississippi itself. All these drugs were creating "Meth-Gators, super aggressive, super-strong reptiles that were wrecking havoc downriver. Destroy the gators, and all would be forgiven.
Given some crossbows, the keys to a late-model Ford F150, and a satchel of dynamite, the band left to deal with the meth-gators.
There was a lot of confusion as to the alleged near-human intelligence of the alligators.
Short Stick: "How smart are these meth-gators?"
Pritchard: "He might be good with the ones twos and fours...."
Phinneus: "No those are MATH gators, completely different."
Of course, the guys put themselves behind the 8-ball, Pritchard tripping over his two feet while holding a loaded crossbow, and accidentally shooting Short Stick in the ass.
The best news for the band was that meth affected alligators like people. Fewer teeth was a bit safer for them, but a gator's jaw snapping down, even if they were gumming the men, would not be pleasant.
The fight for the alligator lair was epic. Short Stick was shirtless, wrestling the crazed beasts. Phinneus had found sledgehammer in the bed of the truck and used that on the animals. Pritchard found himself with a jammed crossbow, and in one of many foolish moments turned the crossbow towards himself like one looking down a barrel of a gun, and the device went off, killing him instantly.
It took the better part of the day, but with great effort, and a small fire from combustible meth chemicals in the water, the meth-gators were exterminated and Short Stack and Phinneus brought back proof.
Sheriff Julio dropped all charges, "gave" them the truck (although he kept the Uranium), and on they left for Tipton Bend.
But not before grabbing another band member for the gig. Pritchard's sister Hennie played a mean fiddle. Brass 'n Skins was dead. Long live The Mississippi Clam.
The arrived with plenty of time to set-up and as they relaxed before coming out, Short Stick and Phinneus traded notes on the day.
Short Stick: "You know, we didn't even use the dynamite on those gators. I wonder where it went?"
The bar manager was just finishing introductions, and a request to look out for a missing bar patron, who hadn't been seen in a number of days. He drove an old El Camino.
Phinneus, as the group walks out on stage, "Don't know...."
Behind him was an impressive set-up of blasting caps and dynamite hooked up around the stage. The new band was going to finally be able to afford those fancy pyrotechnics.
Keeper Notes: Nothing like making characters for a sequel to "Electric Hoe-Down of the Atomic Reptile Bikini Women in 3-D!" from World of Cthulhu #4. Slightly more elaborate character than "Lite Beer" from the original game.
And in proper "ripped from the headlines" like an Law and Order episode,this covers not one, but two tales of the weird recently in the news:
Police in Oklahoma say they found an open container of Kentucky Deluxe whiskey, a rattlesnake, a gun and a canister of radioactive powdered uranium during a traffic stop of a vehicle that had been reported stolen.
The stop occurred at 11 a.m. on June 26 in Guthrie, Oklahoma, about 30 miles north of Oklahoma City, Sgt. Anthony Gibbs of the Guthrie Police Department told NBC News on Thursday.
Stephen Jennings, 40, who was in the driver's seat, and passenger Rachael Rivera, 30, were arrested, Gibbs said.
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Stephen Jennings was arrested after finding a rattlesnake, a canister of radioactive uranium and an open bottle of Kentucky Deluxe whiskey during a traffic stop in Guthrie, Oklahoma.Guthrie Oklahoma Police Department via AP
Jennings is charged with possession of a stolen vehicle, transporting an open container of liquor, operating a vehicle with a suspended license, and failure to carry a security verification form. Rivera is charged with possession of a firearm after a former felony conviction.
Jennings is charged with possession of a stolen vehicle, transporting an open container of liquor, operating a vehicle with a suspended license, and failure to carry a security verification form. Rivera is charged with possession of a firearm after a former felony conviction.
The gun was found in the console and a terrarium containing the pet Timber rattlesnake was in the back seat.
The uranium, which Gibbs said can be purchased legally in some states, was not weapons-grade. It is unclear why it was in the vehicle or how it was obtained, he said.
And in another part of Tennsessee:
A police department in Loretto, Tennessee, is asking residents to refrain from flushing drugs, such as methamphetamine, down the toilet to prevent "meth-gators."
In the Facebook post, the Loretto Police Department wrote that on Saturday, officers executed a search warrant on a home and discovered the occupant trying to flush meth and drug paraphernalia down his toilet.
And in another part of Tennsessee:
A police department in Loretto, Tennessee, is asking residents to refrain from flushing drugs, such as methamphetamine, down the toilet to prevent "meth-gators."
In the Facebook post, the Loretto Police Department wrote that on Saturday, officers executed a search warrant on a home and discovered the occupant trying to flush meth and drug paraphernalia down his toilet.
"Furthermore, if it made it far enough we could create meth-gators in Shoal Creek and the Tennessee River down in North Alabama," police wrote. "They’ve had enough methed up animals the past few weeks without our help. So, if you need to dispose of your drugs just give us a call and we will make sure they are disposed of in the proper way."
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