(Review) How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack

One of my belated Christmas presents from my sister was How to Survive a Garden Gnome Attack by Chuck Sambuchino.

Although it's patterned after the numerous zombie apocalypse handbooks, the author does an excellent job detailing the apparent threat the wee ceramic folk. I mean, enough people are prepping for zombies, but outside of a 5am visit to Dunkin Donuts, there aren't that many zombies hanging around. Garden Gnomes are freakin' everywhere! Right Now! Outside your window!

The book is broken down into four sections:

Part 1 (Assess) allows the reader to determine just how much their life is at risk. Are you in a neighborhood with garden gnomes. Are their minial exit points in your home? Wasn't that garden gnome to left of the birdbath yesterday? The reader is educated on suspicious activities and recognizing garden gnome communications.

Part 2 (Protect) allows the reader to fortify his abode. While not many people can have the local zoning board pass a variance for a moat, "gnomeproofing" allows the homeowner to impede access in the house and make the gnomes think twice before entering. (i.e. big #&@$-ing dogs)

Part 3 (Defend) breaks down the gnomish aresenal (usually items within your own home) and your arsenal in fighting them. Please note, if preparing for a zombie and a garden gnome apocalypse, there is very little overlap in the means of weaponry.

Part 4 (Apply) simply reinforces the lessons taught in the first three parts (stay calm, know your exits), as well as a few amusing anecdotes from garden gnome "survivors". There is also section on roaming gnomes (stealing other people's garden gnomes and taking them on vacation with you.) While I scoffed at such an idea being dangerous, to my horror I quickly realized it was true! My buddies Archi and Balls took a stolen gnome with them to spring break in Florida.

Six months later, the Twin Towers and the Pentagon were hit. Coincidence? I think not. The gnome was acting all cute, when in fact, it was scouting out airports for al-Gnoma.

All in all, if you're a survivalist of the not-so-mudane variety, How to Surivive a Garden Gnome Attack is essential reading. It's a 106-page hardcover, and available at Amazon and other outlets for $14.99.