(Risus) Be Prepared for a Talent Show

 Our weekly Gamma World game continues to go strong.  As episode 28 dropped last Tuesday, I have another 32 weekly write-ups in the can.  We left off at a good break point earlier this month to allow a player a few weeks off to deal with this odd thing called "real-life."

In his absence, I finally completed my "COVID Trilogy", or better yet, perhaps I should call in the Coffee Shop Trilogy.

Still a point of controversy all these years, COVID killed over a million Americans and millions worldwide.  But few remember the bravery and sacrifice of some of the true heroes of the front-lines:  grocery store employees when toilet paper was stowed away, baking hit an all-time high, and people wore the most outrageous get-ups to either protect themselves, or fight the new world order authoritarian regime, whatever was the by-line of the week.  

Mike Pnevmonus was one of those heroes.  A dirty, hairy, and fat Greek butcher in the meat department of a Giant Foods in Pennsylvania.  He though he had seen it all before, the shortages, the runs on the store, etc.  and by the end of it, he hung up his bloody apron and traveled the country, trying to find a place to settle down in peace.  

He ended up in Bloomington, Minnesota, and thanks to his odd penchant for olive slacks, took a job as a cashier at the Boy Scouts of America Superstore in the Mall of America

The Boy Scouts of America Superstore, Imagined by NightCafe

Working alongside him was Hoyce McGurgle, a 20-year emo-kid who had survived the COVID nightmare with his teenage apathy.  A steady stream of poor reviews let him wander the countryside, the final destination: The Boy Scout Store.  

The best thing about visiting the Boy Scout Store in the Mall of America?  A possibly infinite supply of the photography merit badge. 

The biggest problem with the store?  They were almost completely out of any scarves.  At least that's where all the complaints were coming from all week.

Shawn was a regular at the mall.  When he wasn't accumulating 30,00 steps before lunch, he was the resident expert at every store, or so he told them.  Allegedly he had been a Boy Scout as a lad, and had a broad memory of the finest BSA minutiae.  Occasionally he was even helpful, so the the fellas thought it best to keep him around. 

It was a beautiful day at the Mall of America.  It was just the way Minnesota was.

Hoyce and Mike raised the gates to the store and wandered to their spot around the registers.  Shawn, fresh from his 4-mile mall walk, came in.

"Hey guys, what's new?"

"Photography badges."

"You guys had them yesterday?" 

"We got a new shipment of them yesterday."

"What about the Excalibur pocket knife I ordered for month ago."

"What about the ones we have in the case?"

"Those don't have the dentist drillbit.  The Excalibur has the dentist drillbit."

"Why do you need a dentist drillbit?"

"To complete my dentist drillbit?"

"You're 85 years old!"

Even the apathetic Hoyce noticed that there were an unusual number of people shopping on a Thursday morning.  He girded his loins for the overwhelming act of Scan--> Pay --> Next!

As the typical Scout Mom brought up the last Webelos scarf in the state of Minnesota.  Hoyce scanned the item, the mother inserted the credit card... and the terminal kept clocking, absolutely no progress.

Mike peered over to Hoyce's machine, "Run the card again, and if it's still not working, punch in the numbers."

Hoyce, "It's not connecting at all"

Mike, "Then the internet is down.  Sorry folks, we're going to have to go to cash only."

Hoyce: "The wi-fi is working, I'm on my phone right now."

Shawn:  We can build an amateur radio with all the parts you have in stock.  

While the chaos of the cash-only economy descended upon the store, Shawn stared out at a number of mall employees set up an entire stage, complete with lights and rigging.  Shawn has obtained his lights and rigging merit badge and begins to assist the employees, who simply know better than to tell Shawn no.

Shawn completes the lights up top, when he hears the words, "Good, we're almost done.  Talent Show starts in 15 minutes."

Shawn: Talent Show?  Who's talent?

Employee: It's just the weekly national talent show at the mall.  We placed a Sudoku Store at the old location of the stage, so this is going to do today...

Shawn:  Can I participate?

Employee:  Sure!  It's a $50,000 cash prize... in tens.

Mike's getting frustrating handling cash.  The POS system does not like people using the No Sale button to open the register, so cash is simply stacked on the register.

Hoyce has decided to simply force the customers to round up for charity,...

As the tiny talented kids in adorable costumes show up for the talent show, UPS showed up with yet another delivery.  

Mike opened the box and revealed the long out-of-stock Mall Talent Show merit badge.  Of course half of the last 22 years of Boy Scouts waiting on an eternally back-ordered merit badge were coming to the mall to get one, and the other half wanted to sign up to the talent show show they would qualify for the badge... then purchase it. 

... and it was still cash-only.

Shawn:  "These skits are going to be terrible"

Morty, the manager, finally emerged from his office in the stockroom of the store, coffee in hand.

Mike: "Waitaminute, we've had a manager here the whole time?"

Morty was surprisingly quick to call the credit card company, but hung up with worry.  "We have a problem.  Since the BSA is bankrupt, the credit card fees haven't been paid.  We need to fundraise to pay off our bill, so let's assemble a skit for the talent show and win the $50,000.  I'm going to get another cup of coffee at the other end of the mall."

Hoyce: "Whatever, I'm on the clock."

Mike handled some of the more obstinate Boy Scout moms, Shawn thought up a classic Shawn idea.

"Hey, they closed that Sears down a week before they even opened the mall, but I bet the old credit card slides are there."

Hoyce: "I think we'd still have to pay our credit card bills."

Shawn: "Sure, but you can still take the slips and process them tomorrow."

Hoyce:  "Great idea, let me go get one."  And like that, Hoyce wandered away from his registered and walked down to Sears.  

Mike was flabbergasted, and Shawn was trying to convince Mike to sing Spice Girls for the talent show.  

Hoyce was surprisingly adept at breaking into the Sears storefront,   It was also a shock just how many of the old "knuckle buster" credit slides and large level carbon slip presses were on the counter in the jewelry department.  

Realizing that the larger imprinter could be swung as a weapon, Hoyce almost broke a smile and said, "Cool" before returning to the store.  

Back at the store, Shawn jumped behind the register to try to help Mike.   While Hoyce was apathetic, he had most of the prices memorized through no effort of his own.  Shawn did too, but at 1965 prices.

With the full fury of the talent show dance moms, Boy Scouts, other folks looking to win $50,000, and Peculiar Sal, Minnesota's favorite parody artist.  

Hoyce dropped his machines through the glass counter, and took a 15-minute break.   Morty decided not to question Hoyce's actions, as the manger returned with his coffee, and officially signed up the group for the talent show under "Musical Act".

As the talent show started, that corner of the mall fell into a weird time warp as each act seemed like an eternity, yet hundreds of acts were getting on stage within the mall's regular hours of operation.  

Once the store employees were called, everyone dropped everything to walk behind the stage, abandoning everything.  Morty has brought out a set of four velour Boy Scout jumpsuits from out of the backroom.  

The Boy Scout store sat behind the stage, watching "Eugene the Magician" dressed as Gandalf, began doing illusion and hypnotism.    Eugene talents were limited but his own major talent was summoning the actual zombies in the Mall of America (who could tell the difference from regular shoppers).  Sometimes a random zombie would get distracted and attack a dance mom, but most headed straight towards the stage.  

Everyone was entranced by the zombie horde, except Mike, who eyed a straight path back through the store and out the backdoor.  

Shawn pulled out his Zune and tried to lure the back end of the zombie horde to a new location with some success.  

Mike and Hoyce fought through the crowd to return to the store.  They grabbed the stacks of cash off the register, and dashed through the back store room, through the back door, into the hallway.  

Shawn successfully led his zombie horde to Hickory Farms and Doris' never-ending free samples.  Except that the first Hickory Farms he reach wasn't a storefront, it was the classic kiosk in the middle of the mall.  Lucky for Shawn, the zombies organized themselves into an infinite line, Getting free samples from Doris until she fell from exhaustion.  

Shawn didn't like Doris anyway.  

The zombies finally reached Eugene and knocked him over onto the stage.  In a classic scene, it looked like the zombie descended upon him and began pulling his entrails out.  In reality, they had simply hit his stash of never-ending scarves for his act.  Boy Scout neckscarves,  The horde of Boy Scout and Boy Scout adjacent attendees, waiting on the back-ordered neckwear attacked the stage and fought the zombies for the cloth. 

Fast Forward two years, 2026

Coastal village, somewhere in Eastern Europe. 

Another year, another pandemic.  But the country couldn't afford the fancy medicines of COVID-25 and 26.   They relied on other methods for social distancing.

At a quaint little cafe,  a large Greek man spied his socially responsible friend with a super-model on each arm, Hoyce, walking down the street, and toasted for their good fortune.  

This completes a ridiculous trilogy of COVID-adjacent adventures.  Bigg Melons  and the Great Hall of COVidiots were run in the first months of the pandemic, and I never got to us the street cafe picture above.  It's only really related by the use of Coffee Shop, and the appearance of Shawn in all three.