Monday, September 6, 2010

Risus: IOU - The Heresy of the Diminuative Pope

Sunday evening was our annual Risus- Illuminati University (IOU) game. Six crazed players and a demented GM sitting around the fire pit.

MONGO! - Union “Negotiator” with a love of fine pastry
Tannenbaum - Male figure skater and Batman wanna-be
Manna - Adorable Jewish Monkey in a Fez
Wasabi JonesBadass Funk Guitar player from Japan.
Professor Clarence PittlemanTelekinetic Talking Coffee Bush
And our newest addition, from the Keystone Light beer commercials
Keith Stone - Always Smooth

The group had just left the on-campus memorial service for Erica Soggypants, (Depressed teenage girl obsessed with Rachel Green from Friends). Erica had driven the car that got the other PCs on the plane where they fought Mustafa Z and Snake Gandhi. Once that last member got onto the plane, Erica lost control and crashed into a truck carrying jet fuel. Very sad.

Upon leaving, the group just wanted to “hang out” and that’s what they did… until a twister generated from the W.U.S.E. building tore across the campus! Most of the group wisely (?) dove into the on-campus Nazi-zombie-infested coffee shop for shelter (a previous scenario they never finished). MONGO! refused to go, since it was a non-union shop. A quick battle with the twister changed his mind, as he went flying through the plate glass window.

The coffee shop is uprooted by the twister and goes flying into the air. It ultimately lands and the group finds themselves amidst tiny houses and a brick road painted. A number of midget wearing blue doo- rags and wielding blunderbusses surround the shop. The Lollipop Crips give them a royal gang welcome to South Munchkinland. Two things saved the group: First, Manna the Monkey’s red fez magically turned into a blue jeweled one. Second, Professor Pittleman, was wearing his Pope hat from the Church of Coffee. Luckily the Lollipop Crips were down with the Pope of Oz and the Prof slyly convinced the munchkin gangstas that he was part of the Ministry of Commerce with the setting up a new business within the dwarf ghetto.

Despite, aiding to the munchkin economy, the group had no official papers, so they were deemed “illegal.” They proceeded to the Emerald City of Oz to talk to the pope and obtain their *snicker* green cards. Walking passed a corn field, they encountered a female scarecrow hawking American flags and Ronco “as-seen-on-TV” gadgets. She ranted about keeping America strong (making the Reagan Republican (2) Wasabi happy), suppressing the liberal elite (much to MONGO!’s chagrin, and cooking a chicken in half the time with half the fat. KeithStone immediately (and successfully) seduced Sarah Palin the Scarecrow and after some smooth canoodling in the corn field was asked by Keith and Wasabi to tag along to Oz

As the group walked through a patch of woods they heard rustling in the underbrush. More little people staggered out with a dazed expressions. It was not until a latino munchkin in an all white suit appeared that the group knew something was amiss..

Boss, Da Brains!!!!! Da Brains…..

The group fought off the zombie midgets well, although Prof Pittleman, Manna, and Sarah Palin were infected. The group picked up their speed, and rushed to Oz for papers and a possible cure.

The giant doors for the Emerald City of Oz were answered by Twinkie the Robot, of Buck Rogers fame

“Whad’ya need, BUD?”

Twinkie denied the group entrance, stating you needed the proper papers to get papers. Keith Stone tried to be smooth, by instantly appearing on the other side of the door. However, guards grab him, kick him out. With the door open the others get in (Keith using his Keith-Stone-on-the-spot cliché to follow them). After bureaucratic mess, they figured the smartest way to get papers is to find a janitor (they’re usually illegal!) and ask how to get fake papers. Once they meet Jorge the Janitor, Scarecrow Sarah Palin realizes they’re talking to an illegal and contacts the Oz Guard. The Guard arrives, but not before the Drive-by Media-brainwashed Mongo takes out Scarecrow Sarah with a Molotov cocktail

The group is hustled into the Great Hall of the Pope of Oz. The Pope acts in the same booming voice and special effects as the movie version. Everything goes according to script until Manna the Monkey uses “Cute Jewish Monkey (5)” to guilt the Pope into calling his mother. This throws the Pope off and he offers a green card plus fulfilling one desire if the go and kill the Wicked Witch of the Westside.

Pittleman just wants his zombie-ness cured
MONGO! wants to the President of the International Order of Teamsters
Tannenbaum wants to go home.
Wasabi Jones wants to open for George Clinton and the Parliament Funkadelic
Manna the Monkey wants a cure for her zombie-ness…. and a nice piece to Banana Matzah.
Keith Stone just wanted another six-pack of Keystone Light.

The group got directions and trudged through a blasted wasteland, but as they got closer to the witch’s castle, the plants began to sprout, flowers began to bloom, and birds began to chirp again. The castle was bright white, with colorful turrets. No guards were seen outside

They opened the unlocked door, and a strange flower person could be seen running down the hall waving. Its head was a giant sunflower and its arms and legs were stems. He was incredibly polite and jovial, welcoming them to the Castle of the Great Mageddon and asked them to stay until the Great Mageddon was available to see them tomorrow. Dinner was great, all the amenities one could ask for were provided: A refrigerator full of Keystone Light, a sound studio, Kosher Banana Smoothies, heck, they even cured Prof Pittleman and Manna of their zombie-ism.

After dinner, each character had to make a save vs. overwhelming happiness.

Only MONGO! and Wasabi made their saves and realized there was something far too wrong with the situation. They marched up the Mageddon’s room (thanks to friendly maps at each corner) kicked the door open and found a powder blue boys room with a cute little voice around the corner singing “Teddy Bears’ Picnic”

In front of them stood Emmanuel Lewis, of “Webster” fame.

He was cute, cuddly and adorable, just the type of person MONGO! likes to throw phone books at. The cute Webster then turned waco-religious crazy, spouting off “this is not part of the prophecy! I shall not be denied my place in the hierarchy.” The oversized battleaxe he was swinging like Barry Bonds wasn’t helping things.

*CRASH… WOOSH* A Molotov cocktail crashed on the floor, igniting the room. Webster was more than a match for the pair, hacking at Wasabi, and keeping MONGO! at bay. Finally, MONGO! had enough and began chucking objects as deadly weapons…. but Wasabi’s cliché weakness (Sympathy for Orphans) kicked in and he dove in front of MONGO!’s attack. Webster spun, knocked MONGO! away, and kicked a crippled Wasabi into the fire, which was spreading up the walls.

MONGO! recovered and began pummeling the little guy with abandon. As the former child star expired, the flames reached the top of the castle, fulfilling the ancient prophecy:

And Webster, yeah, Emmanuel Lewis, cause he’s the Anti-Christ.
The Roof, the roof, the roof is on fire
The Roof, the roof, the roof is on fire
The Roof, the roof, the roof is on fire
We don’t need no water let the motherfucker burn.
Burn motherfucker, burn.

MONGO! grabbed the charred body of Wasabi, Emmanuel Lewis’ Detroit Lions helmet, autographed by Alex Karras (for proof!), and ran out of the castle. The others had snapped out of it and fled, Keith Stone dragging a fridge full of Keystone Light out the drawbridge.

Back at Oz, the Pope wanted to renege on the deal, even though MONGO! did bring proof. The group began a heated argument with the Pope, when Manna the Monkey kicked in Jewish guilt mode, and Wasabi Jones just whined about burn crème for his charred body. Prof. Pittleman hurled some insult about the Pope’s mother and the Pope’s response was an a very un-Pope-like “What you talking ‘bout Pittleman?”

Behind some blinds in the room Gary Coleman appears. Seeing the zombification cured he offers new wishes…

MONGO! - At first, MONGO! wished to kick Gary Coleman's ass, but a quick pull of a tasselled rope produced Snake Gandhi out of a curtain, so an injured MONGO! quickly changed his mind. (MONGO! and Wasabi both have ENEMY: Snake Gandhi on their character cards and both rolled for him to appear at the beginning of the session. I was feeling generous.) Gary Coleman couldn’t get him the presidency of the Brotherhood of Teamsters, but got him another gig as President of the NFL Players Association.

Manna the Monkey – got a banana smoothie and got to keep the Blinged out blue fez.

Tannebaum – wanted to be president of Uni-Mart. The wise Gary Coleman gave him the most responsibility within the company… assistant manager of his current location.

Keith Stone – just wanted a beer coolie for his new fridge of Keystone Light.

Prof Pittleman – just wanted to go home, which worked with Wasabi’s previous wish…

Wasabi Jones – George Clinton and the Parliament Funkadelic had a show in Oz the next night. The group can take the tour bus back to IOU.

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