Two weeks after an epic battle against The Culligan Man to prevent the poisoning of the campus water supply, Sophomore Keith Stone was right where one would expect him to be...
Singing his heart out in an underground club in Queens, acting as frontman for Keith Stone and the Stone Nuggets, of course.
Stone's compatriot's Huggy Bear and Rayne Firewerk had just returned to the States from a research mission in Scotland and checked in at the club.
"Any word on that Culligan cat in Kilt-land?" Stone asked while the crew was huddled around a rickety table with no chairs.
Rayne shook his head, "We checked out all our leads, but came up empty handed. Outside of a chance encounter with a very drunk Good Luck Bear and a barroom brawl against some Scottish Trolls, it was a big waste of my money from my next semester's books."
Huggy Bear could only angrily laught, "Yeah, isn't that jive turkey supposed to be in Ireland or sumppin?"
"Dunno man," Rayne replied, "I failed geography... twice."
"The only thing I know about geography is that Austria looks like a wiener," Keith interjected.
Cautiously scanning the bar, Huggy Bear spied an odd person to attend a country/rock/jazz/rap act like the Stone Nuggets, particularly in this part of Queens: a Greek Orthodox priest.
The Care Bear with Attitude strolled up to the priest and casually asked, "What's up?"
The priest was on a blind date, awaiting a girl named Brenda. He excused himself to get another drink up at the bar.
Rayne, already confusing Greek Orthodox priests with rabbis, decided to slide beside him and order his own drink.
From around the pool table, The Culligan Man emerged, whipping out a katana! Rayne managed to grab the hilt of his katana before the hand of the priest pushed him aside. The priest pulled an ancient scimitar out of thin air and attacked the Culligan. Despite the priest wounding him, the Culligan recovered and cleanly decapitated him. To add to the shock of the room, upon the body hitting the floor, a clear mist emerged from it and went straight up the Culligan's nostrils, apparently healing him.
Taking the opportunity, Rayne charged the water man with a shoulder, tossing him into the vintage 8-track juke box playing Leo Sayer, but once the dust cleared, the Culligan was nowhere to be found.
As the bar crowd fled the scene, two things remained: the desiccated husk of the headless priest on the floor, and a Soviet-Era submarine captain standing near the door.
Enter Captain Vladimir Illyich Antosha Stanislav Villaneueva, a water elemental warrior like the Culligan, trying to stop his power hungry ways.
"He fights mortal and immortal, for his own sick twisted pleasure. He single-handedly defeated the Air Falcons, he's slain the Fire Twins of Oahu, and even bested the Rock... although that appeared to be staged..."
He invited them (and Keith's band) to talk privately in a Russian Tea Room a few blocks away. Villaneueva thought it proper that everyone pile into the back of the band's white van.
"After loading the equipment of course, even with all this weight we'll make some good speed there..."
Soon, they arrived at the Silvercup Tea Room, parking the vehicle next to another inconspicuous white van.
Inside was some obvious Russian gangster operations, but they gave respect to the captain, even providing a privacy screen from the other patrons and a table full of scantily clad women.
Rayne spoke first, "Captain, we're going to have to kill The Culligan, right? It won't be as hard as it looks, right?"
Villaneueva sipped his tea, looked up, and coyly said, "That's not what your Mother said last night!" proceeded by an immediate high-five with Keith Stone.
Then the Captain fell into a trace, like he was experiencing a flashback.
Picture this: Sicily. 1942. The Culligan Man, a bit younger, a bit thinner, carries containers of water with ancient Roman markings into a seaside cafe. He stops at a table with a much younger and shirtless Captain Villaneueva.
Between the two men at the table... is the Pope.
Much of the conversation is done in Italian, without subtitles, but a few things are clear. The Culligan and the Captain are good friends. The Captain and the Pope are worried about the Culligan's need for more power, and the Pope is preoccupied with (a) the Nazis discovering the elemental warriors actually guard the world (b) keeping the future of the Messiah under wraps, and (c) taking a nap before his secret rendezvous with his girlfriend later that afternoon.
It's a very emotive scene.
The camera pans back into the water, transitioning into the blank stare of Villaneueva babbling on in the Tea Room.
"If The Culligan had a weakness, the Pope and I would have ended it that day!"
"What are you talking about old man?"
And just then, ninjas drop from the ceiling!!!
Two for each student plus the Captain.
Keith Stone quickly subdues a ninja, dives through the paper privacy screen and grabs a few scantily clad women to head back to his buddies in the van.
Huggy Bear pulls out an electric cattle prod from his afro and goes to town on his two. One dies quickly, the other passes out in fear.
Rayne slays three ninjas with his katana.
Captain Villaneueva took another sip of his tea, and kills his ninjas with two simple punches. He then threw his tea cup at the last remaining ninja chasing Stone. The cup embeds in the ninja's skull, killing him.
Rayne attempts to unmask the ninja, but only uncovers a second mask... of a luchador!
The luchador quickly awoken to hot tea splashed on his mask and the sound of the cattle prod going off and spills the beans. The Culligan runs the late night wrestling circuit in the Northeast and he hires the luchadors to do his wet work. The latest late night card tonight/this morning at Madison Square Garden. The Culligan does all the commentary for the Saturday morning broadcast.
As Huggy Bear shocked the ninja luchador back into unconsciousness, they exited the Tea Room to find a number of Russian toughs beating up a nearly unconscious Keith Stone. His "rescued" female friends were only a few feet away, some crying, some mocking him.
The large shirtless man pummelling Stone stopped for a moment, stood up straight, and yelled at the bloodied man.
"You think you can steal girls from The Machine?!?! Stupid White Trash!"
"Bertov, this idiot is with me, let him go. You have bodies of Mexican luchador ninjas to dispose of inside. If you tarry, they might become zombies."
Bertov smiled, "For you, my Captain, anything! Vodka, Cheese, even Money!"
With that the crew loaded up in the band's van and they headed to Madison Square Garden. The Stone Nuggets dropped them off and headed back to their 200sq foot apartment to crash.
After much confusion, some scuffling with security, and quick check at the Will Call window, they gained access to a full capacity MSG. Down on the floor, the ring was hosting a 6-man female midget luchador tag-team match.
Huggy Bear saw the Culligan in a cornflower blue suit and giant headset, seated behind the broadcaster's table. He tried to pull out some awesome stuff out of his afro, but alas he only found a toothpick... and a wireless mic hooked up to the PA system.
Navigating through the crowd he overtook the Culligan's mic and announced the arrival of the greatest female midget luchador of all time.... the mistress of disguise Senorita Keith Stone. Stone was pushed into the ring, where he was attacked by all sides my tiny tornadoes of anger.
Rayne had gotten lost in the crowd and was on the opposite ring of the ring from the broadcaster's table. He charged through the ring, hurdled a few mystery little people and vaulted over the top rope and onto the announcer's table. The Culligan and his lackey went flying over the steel fence and into the fans.
A few moments later, a bloodied (again) Keith Stone was seen crashing into the adjacent Spanish announcer's table.
The Culligan staggered through the audience, Rayne in quick pursuit, Huggy Bear continually taunting him. Once Rayne and The Culligan emerged from he crowd, and climbed up to the wrestler's entrance ramp. Both drew their katanas and fought.
The crowd went wild.... until the moment "Mr Abe Culligan" was decapitated by a lucky strike.
The elemental essence of The Culligan poured out of his body and up the nostrils of Rayne Firewerk, making him look even more morbidly obese than before.
Picture this: New York City, Modern Day, the loading docks for Madison Square Garden. Rayne Firewerk and Captain Villaneueva find Keith Stone on top of a case of stage equipment, nursing his body with numerous ice packs.
"Nice distraction, Keith"
"Shut up, man, the midgets stole all my beer."
"The Machine" was seen knocking out a security guard and greeted the students.
"Good show, comrades. When you are within fourteen blocks of the Silvercup, you have an ally in The Machine!"
The Captain thanked Rayne for his service and walked down a shadowy hallway.
Huggy Bear finally arrived with some breakfast pizza and some cheap beer for everyone and the trio embarked out the gate to Parts Unknown.
"Rayne, if you sucked up all the elemental mojo from that turkey, and you're the vessel of his water essence, does that make you an elemental water bottle."
The YouTube sensation could only shudder.
GM Notes: Almost a year ago, I had the good fortune to introduce some of my 5e online group to the wonders of Risus and the zaniness of Illuminati University. I had expected the follow-up adventure of hunting down the Culligan Man to happen much sooner than ten months later. Unfortunately, the most regular cancellation was the 5e DM, who happened to play Rayne, so we ventured through other games and settings.
The plot was always simple: (a) Work with partially open questions "Why are in Queens tonight" or "Why were you and Huggy Bear in Scotland again?" and (b) Follow the script of Highlander, but in reverse, hence pro wrestling at the end.
And for those keeping score at home: Professor Pittleman? Still missing.
Next: Vesperado
Singing his heart out in an underground club in Queens, acting as frontman for Keith Stone and the Stone Nuggets, of course.
Stone's compatriot's Huggy Bear and Rayne Firewerk had just returned to the States from a research mission in Scotland and checked in at the club.
"Any word on that Culligan cat in Kilt-land?" Stone asked while the crew was huddled around a rickety table with no chairs.
Rayne shook his head, "We checked out all our leads, but came up empty handed. Outside of a chance encounter with a very drunk Good Luck Bear and a barroom brawl against some Scottish Trolls, it was a big waste of my money from my next semester's books."
Huggy Bear could only angrily laught, "Yeah, isn't that jive turkey supposed to be in Ireland or sumppin?"
"Dunno man," Rayne replied, "I failed geography... twice."
"The only thing I know about geography is that Austria looks like a wiener," Keith interjected.
Cautiously scanning the bar, Huggy Bear spied an odd person to attend a country/rock/jazz/rap act like the Stone Nuggets, particularly in this part of Queens: a Greek Orthodox priest.
The Care Bear with Attitude strolled up to the priest and casually asked, "What's up?"
The priest was on a blind date, awaiting a girl named Brenda. He excused himself to get another drink up at the bar.
Rayne, already confusing Greek Orthodox priests with rabbis, decided to slide beside him and order his own drink.
From around the pool table, The Culligan Man emerged, whipping out a katana! Rayne managed to grab the hilt of his katana before the hand of the priest pushed him aside. The priest pulled an ancient scimitar out of thin air and attacked the Culligan. Despite the priest wounding him, the Culligan recovered and cleanly decapitated him. To add to the shock of the room, upon the body hitting the floor, a clear mist emerged from it and went straight up the Culligan's nostrils, apparently healing him.
Taking the opportunity, Rayne charged the water man with a shoulder, tossing him into the vintage 8-track juke box playing Leo Sayer, but once the dust cleared, the Culligan was nowhere to be found.
As the bar crowd fled the scene, two things remained: the desiccated husk of the headless priest on the floor, and a Soviet-Era submarine captain standing near the door.
Enter Captain Vladimir Illyich Antosha Stanislav Villaneueva, a water elemental warrior like the Culligan, trying to stop his power hungry ways.
"He fights mortal and immortal, for his own sick twisted pleasure. He single-handedly defeated the Air Falcons, he's slain the Fire Twins of Oahu, and even bested the Rock... although that appeared to be staged..."
He invited them (and Keith's band) to talk privately in a Russian Tea Room a few blocks away. Villaneueva thought it proper that everyone pile into the back of the band's white van.
"After loading the equipment of course, even with all this weight we'll make some good speed there..."
Soon, they arrived at the Silvercup Tea Room, parking the vehicle next to another inconspicuous white van.
Inside was some obvious Russian gangster operations, but they gave respect to the captain, even providing a privacy screen from the other patrons and a table full of scantily clad women.
Rayne spoke first, "Captain, we're going to have to kill The Culligan, right? It won't be as hard as it looks, right?"
Villaneueva sipped his tea, looked up, and coyly said, "That's not what your Mother said last night!" proceeded by an immediate high-five with Keith Stone.
Then the Captain fell into a trace, like he was experiencing a flashback.
Picture this: Sicily. 1942. The Culligan Man, a bit younger, a bit thinner, carries containers of water with ancient Roman markings into a seaside cafe. He stops at a table with a much younger and shirtless Captain Villaneueva.
Much of the conversation is done in Italian, without subtitles, but a few things are clear. The Culligan and the Captain are good friends. The Captain and the Pope are worried about the Culligan's need for more power, and the Pope is preoccupied with (a) the Nazis discovering the elemental warriors actually guard the world (b) keeping the future of the Messiah under wraps, and (c) taking a nap before his secret rendezvous with his girlfriend later that afternoon.
It's a very emotive scene.
The camera pans back into the water, transitioning into the blank stare of Villaneueva babbling on in the Tea Room.
"If The Culligan had a weakness, the Pope and I would have ended it that day!"
"What are you talking about old man?"
And just then, ninjas drop from the ceiling!!!
Keith Stone quickly subdues a ninja, dives through the paper privacy screen and grabs a few scantily clad women to head back to his buddies in the van.
Huggy Bear pulls out an electric cattle prod from his afro and goes to town on his two. One dies quickly, the other passes out in fear.
Rayne slays three ninjas with his katana.
Captain Villaneueva took another sip of his tea, and kills his ninjas with two simple punches. He then threw his tea cup at the last remaining ninja chasing Stone. The cup embeds in the ninja's skull, killing him.
Rayne attempts to unmask the ninja, but only uncovers a second mask... of a luchador!
As Huggy Bear shocked the ninja luchador back into unconsciousness, they exited the Tea Room to find a number of Russian toughs beating up a nearly unconscious Keith Stone. His "rescued" female friends were only a few feet away, some crying, some mocking him.
The large shirtless man pummelling Stone stopped for a moment, stood up straight, and yelled at the bloodied man.
"You think you can steal girls from The Machine?!?! Stupid White Trash!"
"Bertov, this idiot is with me, let him go. You have bodies of Mexican luchador ninjas to dispose of inside. If you tarry, they might become zombies."
Bertov smiled, "For you, my Captain, anything! Vodka, Cheese, even Money!"
With that the crew loaded up in the band's van and they headed to Madison Square Garden. The Stone Nuggets dropped them off and headed back to their 200sq foot apartment to crash.
After much confusion, some scuffling with security, and quick check at the Will Call window, they gained access to a full capacity MSG. Down on the floor, the ring was hosting a 6-man female midget luchador tag-team match.
Huggy Bear saw the Culligan in a cornflower blue suit and giant headset, seated behind the broadcaster's table. He tried to pull out some awesome stuff out of his afro, but alas he only found a toothpick... and a wireless mic hooked up to the PA system.
Navigating through the crowd he overtook the Culligan's mic and announced the arrival of the greatest female midget luchador of all time.... the mistress of disguise Senorita Keith Stone. Stone was pushed into the ring, where he was attacked by all sides my tiny tornadoes of anger.
Rayne had gotten lost in the crowd and was on the opposite ring of the ring from the broadcaster's table. He charged through the ring, hurdled a few mystery little people and vaulted over the top rope and onto the announcer's table. The Culligan and his lackey went flying over the steel fence and into the fans.
A few moments later, a bloodied (again) Keith Stone was seen crashing into the adjacent Spanish announcer's table.
The Culligan staggered through the audience, Rayne in quick pursuit, Huggy Bear continually taunting him. Once Rayne and The Culligan emerged from he crowd, and climbed up to the wrestler's entrance ramp. Both drew their katanas and fought.
The crowd went wild.... until the moment "Mr Abe Culligan" was decapitated by a lucky strike.
The elemental essence of The Culligan poured out of his body and up the nostrils of Rayne Firewerk, making him look even more morbidly obese than before.
Picture this: New York City, Modern Day, the loading docks for Madison Square Garden. Rayne Firewerk and Captain Villaneueva find Keith Stone on top of a case of stage equipment, nursing his body with numerous ice packs.
"Nice distraction, Keith"
"Shut up, man, the midgets stole all my beer."
"The Machine" was seen knocking out a security guard and greeted the students.
"Good show, comrades. When you are within fourteen blocks of the Silvercup, you have an ally in The Machine!"
The Captain thanked Rayne for his service and walked down a shadowy hallway.
Huggy Bear finally arrived with some breakfast pizza and some cheap beer for everyone and the trio embarked out the gate to Parts Unknown.
"Rayne, if you sucked up all the elemental mojo from that turkey, and you're the vessel of his water essence, does that make you an elemental water bottle."
The YouTube sensation could only shudder.
GM Notes: Almost a year ago, I had the good fortune to introduce some of my 5e online group to the wonders of Risus and the zaniness of Illuminati University. I had expected the follow-up adventure of hunting down the Culligan Man to happen much sooner than ten months later. Unfortunately, the most regular cancellation was the 5e DM, who happened to play Rayne, so we ventured through other games and settings.
The plot was always simple: (a) Work with partially open questions "Why are in Queens tonight" or "Why were you and Huggy Bear in Scotland again?" and (b) Follow the script of Highlander, but in reverse, hence pro wrestling at the end.
And for those keeping score at home: Professor Pittleman? Still missing.
Next: Vesperado
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