Monday, September 8, 2014

Gnome Profile: Robert McHope, Infamous Golfer

From an early age, Robert McHope loved what all boys in Scotland love, sassy lasses, well-aged scotch, and golf.  Unfortunately, like most young lads, the scotch made him an intolerable boor with the ladies, and sliced his hooks and hooked his slices.    That last portion made him an excellent golfer!

He hit the local golf circuit and became a instant sensation.  While he rarely won, his booming tee shots had the ability to stand against the mightiest of gales blowing off the ocean.  His tendency to introduce his fellow golfers to some concept known as an "afterparty" were whispered in hushed, but ultimately, legendary tones.

McHope, back in his glory days....
Soon the desire for scotch overcame his talent, and his booming shots would veer into the crowd, careening off a dozen spectators before finally coming to a rest.   After a morning on the front nine killed five, wounded ten, and seriously mauled the visiting the British Duke of Chestercheltinghamfordshire, the King of Scotland levied the harshest punishment:  a lifetime ban from all golf courses in Scotland.

After his ban, Robert disappeared off the map.   As wandered the world, looking for the perfect woman, scotch, and links, he discovered his drive could be used on objects heavier than a golf ball.  Soon his wandering transformed into a travelling roadshow where he would hit common household objects to the delight of crowds.  Soon, he added fireworks and other explosives at his show for dramatic effect. 

While performing in the colonial port of St. Pachydermus, he was trapped by a Civil War amongst the locals and their Swiss overlords.  Befriending a bunch of Scottish mercenaries, Robert acquired a large amount of mortar shells and dynamite, and in a drunken stupor climbed to the highest building in town and began to tee them off into the fighting below.  His actions trickled back to Scotland and became even more legendary than his drives.  The King of Scotland demanded he return to Scotland, gave him a military commission, and requested that he teach mobile artillery techniques at the Royal Military Academy in Glasgow. 
An alleged picture of McHope on a rooftop party with anarchists, St Pachydermus
All Highlander units with mobile artillery attached to them sing praises to McHope in drunken revelry.  He's a celebrity and a hero of the nation now, although the lifetime ban is still effect.  McHope worries not a second, for he has installed two 18-hole golf courses within the confines of the artillery ranges.  No one is the wiser, and even better, the course is constantly changing with each new class.

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